Hurt People, Hurt People
I have to be frank and say that this cliché gets right up my left nostril! Many people had adverse childhood experiences but not all of them go on to want to hurt others as adults. The world would be in chaos if this was the case. Really, it’s a choice whether you help people or hurt them irrespective of your own childhood abuse.
Narcissists create a false self to protect their fragile persona. They have a collection of habits that serve them well growing up and choose to take those habits into adulthood with them. I’m not downplaying the horrible lived experiences that some narcissists have endured, simply working through why many people who have had similar experiences don’t become narcissists. So somewhere on the timeline of growing up, the now-narcissist has taken on protective behaviours.
Perhaps they were the family scapegoat, and everything was blamed on them. I can see the rationale for not wanting to take personal responsibility and trying to shift blame onto everyone else. But on the other hand many people have been the family scapegoat, or designated black sheep, and consciously decided that they would never do that to anyone. Narcissists can also be the golden child who can do no wrong and has everything handed to them on a plate. That definitely sets them up with a sense of being superior and being overly entitled. However, not all spoiled children become narcissists.
So somewhere on the timeline of growing up,
the now-narcissist has taken on protective behaviours
So, it occurs to me that learning narcissistic behaviours as a child is a survival mechanism, while taking those behaviours into adulthood is a choice. They have come to enjoy hurting people, even if at some level they know it’s wrong. Of course, they will always be the innocent party, but they do know they’re hurting people and they get a buzz out of it.
A client the other day spoke of her abusive partner saying to her as he kicked her in the head yet again that he’d been hurt as a child so he wanted to hurt people. His brother had the same violent upbringing but got help and cleaned up his act. My client asked me if narcissism is a choice and it really got me thinking. I think it’s fair to say that some hurt people, hurt people, but many choose to help people.
What do you think?
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