Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother

Perhaps you were the scapegoated child who was all bad or perhaps you were the golden child who was all good. Your childhood memories maybe very, very different depending on which role was allocated to you by your narcissistic mother. If you were an only child like me perhaps your role flip- flopped from one to the other. Of course, being the golden child required complete compliance with your mother as love and approval were totally conditional on this.

The scapegoated child can do nothing right, while the golden child can do nothing wrong.

A case of divide and conquer.

You, the innocent child trying so hard to please and be accepted as worthy were merely a pawn in the narcissist’s twisted game. There may have been physical abuse or the silent condoning of sexual abuse. There certainly would have been emotional and psychological abuse which was damaging and perhaps sadistic.

I share my story with you to illustrate what can happen. My parents passed over many years ago. There was no physical abuse beyond what was the norm back in the day and no sexual abuse.

In 1958 I was adopted by a respectable couple aged 50 the adoption was privately arranged through a Catholic priest who knew my adoptive family.

My biological father is unknown.

In 1958 I was adopted by a respectable couple aged 50 the adoption was privately arranged through a Catholic priest who knew my adoptive family. My birth mother was a married woman whose husband had deserted her and left her destitute with two young children. My biological father is unknown. My young years were fairly restricted but not too bad as I knew nothing else. However, as I approached the teenage years things began to change. I wanted to hang out with friends and do normal teenage things. This was a complete no-no.

Friends were told such horrible lies about me by my mother that I no longer brought them home. She wanted my undivided attention and was pathologically jealous of my father who I spent a lot of time with. Day in, day out I listened to vicious lies about dad. The idea was that I sided with her, but even as an adolescent I could see through the lies. At one stage she told me dad was trying to poison her. Their relationship was terrible, characterised by vicious verbal attacks from my mother while dad withdrew and lived most of his life in his room.

When boys came on the scene it got much worse. Every budding relationship I had was destroyed by my mother. They were were no internet or cell phones. Up until I left home at nearly the age of 21 I was not allowed a private phone conversation with anyone. Despite my outstanding grades, I was not allowed to go to University instead getting a job at 16 which at least gave me financial freedom.

My mother tried to convince me that I was from bad blood and so evil that I shouldn't have children. Then that as I had RH negative blood I wouldn't be able to have children anyway . These things were told to any potential boyfriend picking me up for a date. Then it shifted to “I couldn't have a boyfriend” because he could be my biological brother which was patently ridiculous as she kept tabs on my biological family.

And so it went on …

Until age nearly 21 when I decided for my own sanity to move out and live with my boyfriend. Then this shit really hit the fan. It appeared that I had only been adopted to look after them in their old age. Sadly, even dad was in on this. He told me he had no more reason to live and passed away a few months after I left home.

My mother tried to convince me that I was from bad blood and so evil

that I shouldn't have children …

I needed to minimise contact after dad died as the emotional abuse had escalated and I was over it. Even when I got married the abuse and shaming continued. Unfortunately, my mother had very dysfunctional views on sex. As a teenager I was told that kissing got you pregnant and allowing a boy to touch your breasts caused breast cancer. So much for sex ed!
As a young married woman I was called a slut for having sex with my husband. When I was pregnant with my first child I remember waking up one night in a panic realising I would have to protect my child from her. I maintained very low contact, usually without my child, until she died a year or so later.

It's sad to think we have to protect ourselves and our children from narcissistic mothers but this is the reality.

To prevent intergenerational damage, low contact and sometimes no contact is a necessity. It is up to us to stop the toxic patterns that characterise some families. Although it may seem otherwise there's a very fine line between being the scapegoat and being the golden child.  

Narcissistic mothers always have an agenda for their children. The sad part is that mostly this agenda is against the child’s best interests, so as a child you learn that you cannot trust your mother to have your back. This is a very sad thing. It’s important that we honour our inner child and take back our power as adults to protect both ourselves and our children.

So perhaps you can relate to this?

… or perhaps you've had a healthy loving upbringing, but now you're at your wit's end on how to get rid of the negative fallout of a narcissistic or toxic relationship.

I want to let you know that I have lived with evil itself and understand what you are going through. Reach out to work with me to heal your broken heart and trust - Contact Jan Here