The Blame and Shame Game
Has anyone ever blamed you for getting into a relationship with a narcissistic, toxic, controlling or difficult person? It’s quite common, I hear it often. Here’s the thing, it’s not your fault. You are not standing there with a huge placard saying ‘narcissist wanted’. If you asked these same critical people for a heads up on what to look for to avoid an abusive relationship, they wouldn’t really know. Especially when dealing with con artists such as narcissists and other toxics. So please stop beating yourself up!
I’d like to share two chapters from my book Hypnorescue: Reclaim Your Life After Narcissistic Abuse with you to illustrate just how easy it is to get caught up in the insidious idealisation stage of a narcissistic relationship. This is how it starts………
Imagine you meet a wonderful man (or woman) who thinks you are great. Let’s call him or her Love Interest (LI). So LI begins love bombing you. Taking you to dinner, complimenting you, having great sex (often too early in the relationship). The sex releases feel good hormones into your body creating a strong evolutionary bond between you while also giving your lover ownership of your body. Perhaps they help you when you are in need and you think what a kind person this is. Just the type of person you’ve always wanted. LI appears to enjoy the same things as you and accelerates the fledgling relationship to a ‘forever’ relationship at an alarming rate. Something in your gut feels off, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Things are happening too fast. Friends and family see it, but you don’t listen because you’re happy and LI quickly dismisses any qualms you have. LI has a plan, an agenda, to build you up just to tear you down, but of course you don’t know that yet.
You spend all your time with LI, neglecting other people and pastimes you enjoy. And of course that is normal when you fall in love, you want to be with that person. If you knew then that LI would expect you to give up your hobbies, talents, friends, family (perhaps even including children) and make LI the centre of your Universe from that day forward, what would you do? Right now it just seems that LI is being attentive and cares for you.
If LI bombards you with calls, texts and messages all day long, that may seem like caring too. Except that an immediate response is expected and demanded and you have a life to live. Perhaps your boss isn’t keen on the constant interruptions and has a chat to you about it. You ask LI to tone it down or you could lose your job. LI doesn’t tone it down though and you begin to feel stressed. You don’t want to and can’t afford to lose your job, why can’t LI understand this? Oh yes, because LI misses you when you are at work. In fact, although LI would never admit it, you being jobless and dependent on them is the ideal situation. Not at all ideal for you of course. Can you see where this is going now?
Your welfare is of no use to your LI unless it has a direct effect on them. Still, it’s early days yet and you’re still under the LI’s ‘love’ spell and don’t know that you’re being groomed to be a source of energy supply (narcissistic supply or NS). You are systematically being conditioned down to being an object rather than a person. A mere convenience in LI’s life who will be discarded for the next model when you stop being compliant.
Meantime, things are no longer so rosy. Criticism, sarcasm and demeaning words and behaviour are creeping into LI’s way of being in the relationship. Sex is rapidly going downhill. Your friends and family have been alienated and perhaps banned from your home if you live together. Most narcissists (Ns) want to cohabit very quickly before you have time to see who they really are. Perhaps even your own children are not welcome to visit you. You are isolated and controlled. And let’s get really clear on this, control is not love. Control comes from a place of fear and insecurity. It is NOT love. What just happened to the competent, confident person who used to have all their ducks in a row?
It didn’t start like this, and you dear reader, like thousands of other people in the world, didn’t see it coming. Why would you? Now you’re enmeshed in an entanglement with someone who displays narcissistic traits and behaviours. That’s right your LI is actually a N.
You are not standing there with a huge placard saying
‘narcissist wanted’
Where to from here?
Have you seen those reality TV shows where some expert comes along to rescue a failing business and the owner hands over the keys for a day or a week? Well you’re about to hand over the keys to your life for as long as the N is in it. That’s every aspect of your life. How can the N use you to their maximum benefit while systematically devaluing you until you no longer know who you are or what you want? This is the opposite of the benevolent TV reality show. Your life is about to be destroyed in a myriad of ways.
Somehow, you’ve ended up in a nightmare. This is not what you signed up for. You try to sort it out but it’s impossible as the N flies into a rage. What happened to the nice person you met? Who is this creature filled with vitriol that you learn to tiptoe around? Maybe the N’s not a rager at all. They gaslight you, trying to make you feel as if you’re going crazy and can’t trust yourself or your intuition, or patronise you by treating you like a 5 year old. The N denies words and actions and projects their own negative beliefs and behaviours onto you. It’s all your fault and it’s always going to be your fault because the N can’t be wrong. Think of the ultimate angry toddler brat having a tantrum.
The N can’t love you or anyone else including themselves. Somewhere in the developmental years the N was abused, overindulged or perhaps neglected, causing them to create a false self as protection. That’s what you first encountered, the N’s false self which changes like a chameleon depending on how they need to be perceived to ensnare the next prey. That’s you by the way. You are now prey and the N is the predator. Another strong, kind, caring, empathetic person has been trapped in the N’s snare. N’s are drawn to empaths like a cat to a mouse. But it’s for all the wrong reasons. Empaths have superpowers that most people admire. N’s incorrectly think these superpowers are weaknesses and despise empaths for their kindness. Similar to a vampire sucking the lifeblood from its victim, they feed off an empath’s energy until the empath is emotionally exhausted. Like a heat seeking missile, the N hones in on the warmth of their partner/prey and systematically annihilates their soul. No you don’t deserve this to happen and you definitely didn’t see it coming. It’s not your fault dear reader. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You’ve already been beaten up in countless ways. Truth has no meaning for the N. They only tell the truth or part of the truth when it serves them. Your life is no longer your own, you have been taken over. Your head is spinning and you wonder WTF is going on. It’s no longer okay for you to have need of any kind. Your needs are just an inconvenience. Only the N has the right to have needs and there is usually no end to them. By now the N will be controlling you to some degree or may effectively be controlling your every move. I’m sure you recognise some of the ways you are being controlled in the following list:
* What you wear
* Where you go
* Who you spend time with
* Your phone calls texts and emails
* Your finances
* Your sex life
* Your ability to earn your own income
* Your values and beliefs
* Your health
So, you can see that without awareness of how a narcissist operates, it’s so easy to be taken in by their smoke and mirrors shenanigans. The good news is you can learn how to recognise and deflect them. It’s not your fault you got lured into their world in the past!
Discover HypnoRescue HERE