The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Huge thanks to Tanya Gaum and Barbara Herring for creating the amazing graphic that this blog and podcast is based on. There are 3 parts to this Cycle which I call the IDD – Idealise, Devalue and Discard. While not all the circumstances are the same for everyone, the pattern is the same. Once you get a handle on the pattern, it puts any relationships you’ve had with difficult, toxic, controlling or narcissistic people into perspective. It was never about you!

Let’s look at the Idealise phase first aka the Honeymoon Period. I remember briefly dating a narcissistic man once and after he’d nearly let our puppy get run over and my daughter and myself expressed our extreme displeasure, he actually said “well the honeymoon is over”. Needless to say the relationship was over for me.

The Narcissist’s Idealising Agenda

The narcissist grooms the victim and their family and friends to cultivate a sense of trust and commitment. He or she engages the victim’s empathy to accelerate bonding, loyalty, and attachment. The narcissist pretends to love the victim while actually planting seeds of self-doubt in the victim to foster emotional dependency and secure power and control in the relationship. He or she ‘invests’ in the victim to instill a sense of gratitude obligation and ‘owing’.

How this Affects the Survivor

The survivor feels special or chosen. He or she feels intense love, trust, and sexual desire creating increased levels of dopamine and serotonin. He or she feels happy, hopeful,and attached to the narcissist. They feel a sense of ‘owing’ the narcissist for their generosity. Inappropriate behaviors by the narcissist are minimalised and rationalized and the narcissist is given the benefit of the doubt. The survivor begins to defend, and make excuses for these inappropriate behaviors to family and friends and begins to isolate, ignore personal boundaries, and modify behaviour to align with the narcissist’s needs, preferences and desires.

The Honeymoon

Let’s look at the honeymoon. The abuser begins to groom and love-bomb the victim:

·        Puts the victim on a pedestal

·        Rushes into intimacy

·        Compares the victim favourably to ex partner/s

·        Flattery, excessive attention and intense sexual seduction

·        Acts of perceived kindness, empathy and generosity

·        Grand gestures, gift giving, elaborate dates, romantic vacations

·        ‘Mirroring’ to convey sameness and a strong bond

·        ‘Future faking’, early desire for commitment, premature talk of marriage

·        Over protection and isolation in the name of ‘love’

·        Oversharing details of traumatic childhood and crazy ex partners

·        Testing and crossing victim’s boundaries

·        Trying to draw the victim back in (aka hoovering) after inappropriate behaviours through gaslighting, justifying, possible apologies, possible promises to change and/or seek therapy.

Next comes the devalue phase and it’s not pretty as the narcissist seeks to destroy you in any way they can while still looking like the good guy.

He actually said “well the honeymoon is over”

Needless to say the relationship was over for me …

The Narcissist’s Devaluation Agenda

The narcissist experiences a narcissistic wound when the victim responds to inappropriate or abusive behaviours. He or she feels threatened, defensive, betrayed, victimised and tries to regain power and control over the victim. The narcissist then triangulates or uses comparisons to other people and flirtation or even infidelity to provoke insecurity within the victim and make them feel replaceable. They attempt to destabilise the victim by causing them to doubt their reality and question their sanity. The narcissist becomes bored and resentful and looks for a new source of validation and stimulation, seeking out a new relationship or ‘reflection of perfection’. They begin to love bomb and groom a new victim, or even victims, using the current victim’s increasing emotional distress to attract sympathy from others and to justify their abusive behaviours and betrayals.

How this Affects the Survivor

The survivor is devalued or punished for inconveniencing the narcissist by trying to set boundaries, call out unacceptable behaviour comma or for not being compliant and obedient. He or she experiences decreased levels of dopamine and serotonin. This often leads to depression, anxiety, fear, self-doubt, confusion, memory problems and sleep disturbance. They also experience cognitive dissonance, confusion, disconnection from their intuition and sense of reality and begin to placate, ‘walk on egg shells’, and ‘go along to get along’ to avoid conflict escalation. Survivors begin to blame themselves for problems in the relationship and work harder to please the narcissist in an effort to regain their attention and love when new victims are triangulated into the relationship. By this stage the survivor has become hyper vigilant to the narcissist’s oscillating moods and tries to predict the narcissist’s needs to access affection and connection and to avoid conflict. They experience feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (aka FOG). This leaves the survivor denying their own intuition and desperately clinging to the hope for change.

Let’s look at how the abuser heightens the tension in the relationship.

Building the Tension

The abuser begins to make subtle suggestions for change and improvement of the victim under the guise of concern.

·        Delivers criticism, degradations, insults and name calling (sometimes under the guise of humour)

·        Begins to more overtly isolate the victim, restricting and controlling the victim’s resources and activities.

·        Emotional withdrawal, silent treatment (aka stonewalling)

·        Nit-picking, gaslighting, intimidation, threats, violation of victim’s boundaries

·        Communication breaks down

·        Triangulation or ‘love triangle’ begins

The Narcissist’s Discard Agenda

The narcissist acts defensively against pain from the narcissistic wound. They project their own shame and insecurities onto the victim and escalate abusive behaviours. The narcissist feels repelled by the victim’s emotional response to abuse, so they love bomb or groom new victims in order to feel re-energised from the high of fresh new narcissistic supply. Then they feel empowered, entitled and in control. They use the victim’s emotional response to abuse or betrayal to prove to others that the victim is crazy or unwell and to justify the abuse, betrayal and ultimately the discard. The narcissist solicits sympathy from others for having to endure such a crazy partner. By doing this they regain power and control over the victim and the relationship narrative.

How this Affects the Survivor

The survivor is punished for responding to abusive behaviours. They try to calm and reason with the narcissist, apologising for their emotional response to the abuse, assuming blame and responsibility, and trying to fix the relationship. When trying to prove the sanity to the narcissist and others, they may become emotionally distressed or even appear unhinged. They begin to anticipate abuse and modify behaviour to avoid conflict and the escalation of abuse, placating the narcissist in the attempt to return to the honeymoon or idealisation stage of the cycle. At this point they either leave the narcissist or are discarded by the narcissist. Then they may submit to the narcissist’s ‘hoovering’ back into the relationship for a myriad of complex and legitimate reasons until leaving permanently feels necessary, safe and possible, which in some cases can be a long time.

Let’s look at how the abuser escalates the abuse in the relationship.

Escalation of Abuse

The abuser displays cruelty, content, coercive force and rage (loud or silent).

·        Commits escalated acts of verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and/or physical violence

·        Commits one or more significant betrayals

·        Makes excuses, gas lights and minimises abuse and betrayal

·        Invalidates victim’s emotional response and blames victim for causing the abuse and betrayal

·        Discards victim temporarily or permanently

Download my free eBook - Click Here - It will teach you some tools to recognising the abuse and help you build some strength. If your struggling please reach out - Contact Jan Here