The Control Room
The control is subtle at first.
Think of a frog in a pot of water that starts off cold and gradually comes to the boil. It takes a while to realise that the heat is ramping up in the kitchen. Every aspect of your life may be controlled. Perhaps you recognise some of these:
What you wear - If the N thinks it makes you look attractive to someone else, they will want you to change it or accuse you of getting dressed up to meet another man or woman. All this because you wanted to look smart or professional. Narcissistic men often make demands regarding women’s hair such as demanding that you cut it, grow it or change the colour of it to suit his tastes. They often don’t like make up or jewellery, so you stop wearing it. Your body is never good enough. He’ll hound you to lose weight or have totally unnecessary plastic surgery. Whatever the demands are, and whichever gender the N is, even if you comply with all the demands, you will still not be good enough, and never will be. In reality you are far too good for the N and they know it.
You have lost yourself. Sad eyes filled with pain look back at you from the mirror. This is not who you are. There’s got to be a better way. And there is. It takes time and courage, but you can reclaim your life.
Where you go
You’re just popping down the road to get the paper, coffee etc. No big deal you think. Well it is a big deal now you’ve acquired the N. Because now you no longer have personal freedom. If what you’re doing is not serving them in some way, then they don’t want you to do it. Perhaps you won’t come back or perhaps you’re meeting someone. Think about a child having separation anxiety or acting out when you’re trying to talk on the phone or have coffee with a friend. How dare the focus of your attention be someone or something else other than them. You try to have a rational conversation about it, but although the N appears to listen, the same behaviour keeps on repeating. And pretty soon it’s easier just to stay at home to avoid the fallout.
Perhaps he’s sold your car and controls the keys to his one or keeps parking you in so you can’t escape. The cat has the mouse under surveillance. All phone calls must be in his presence. If you’re on the phone when he gets home, you must hang up immediately. He demands to read your texts and emails too. You thought you were in a relationship, but actually you’re in a prison.
Finances - Maybe you had your own home when you met the N. Ns like people with property. If they can just get through the period they have to get through to get half your assets without signing the equivalent of a prenup, they are home and hosed. That’s right, half your life savings, property and other assets go to them and they have you trapped even more. If they decide to leave, they take half of everything, so they can treat you like absolute crap and if you walk, you lose half of everything you’ve worked for and your children’s inheritance. A word of caution here! Every N knows the relationship property rules of the country they’re in. No matter how innocent and ingenuous they may seem about the law, they know what they’re entitled to. Don’t believe otherwise. Your quality of life in retirement and even whether you are able to retire, depends on you keeping your financial head screwed on dear reader.
Please don’t be fooled. If someone loves you, they care about your financial well-being. They will sign the equivalent of a prenup because they want to protect you. Male Ns particularly don’t like women having any financial means because they are more difficult to control. They will do whatever they can to bring you down financially. This is financial abuse plain and simple and Ns can be very forceful about getting control of your finances.
If they meet you, hook onto you and then need to borrow money, do not lend it. You are being scammed and they will laugh all the way to the bank at your gullibility. Ns with assets will of course sign a prenup to protect themselves. Get it looked at by the best lawyer you can afford. Don’t bow to pressure and threats if you need to make changes to stop yourself from being ripped off.
If you have little money or assets you may still be attractive to a N as a source of free labour. Be prepared to be dominated, controlled and at least verbally abused. Always have a plan B of friends or family where you can stay if you need to escape.
Wow he or she is great in bed!!
at first …
Sex Life – Wow he or she is great in bed……at first. An N cannot be an equal partner in anything, they must dominate. If sex is not your thing, they’ll want heaps of it. Male Ns often want a women to do things she dislikes or finds painful. Prepare to be shamed and humiliated. Called frigid or impotent one moment and a slut the next. If you like sex, they will ration it, or refuse to have it when you want it, then demand it when it suits them. Suddenly they’ve ‘forgotten’ what foreplay you enjoy and it’s wham, bam, thank you mam. Again be prepared for derogatory, and untrue labels to be bestowed upon you. In a N’s mind you don’t deserve to enjoy sex, it’s exclusively for their pleasure. There is no intimacy. It’s empty and heart breaking and wears you down. That’s the one sacred thing you share with just each other. Well, you do. The N may have other sexual partners as this is the pattern. Affairs, prostitutes, escorts…….anything to get the fix of admiration they believe they need to survive. Triangulation is one of their top tactics. There’s always another woman to fall back to. Maybe his ex or maybe a friend (hopefully not one of your friends) who sympathises with him about what a mad bitch you are.
Job or Business - You may have a great job or business but if it’s not about them, they would prefer that it went. Any sign of independence or success is like a red rag to a bull with an N. Be prepared for sabotage, be prepared for your name and reputation to be trashed. Think really hard about giving up either a job or a business to work with them. Take out the word with and insert the word for in the sentence preceding this. Remember, Ns cannot be equal partners, they must be the boss. If you go into business or work for them, they have you by the short and curlies. They control you 24/7 and they are not likely to be a kindly boss. Everything will be your fault and you will be a galley slave while they strut around and receive all the kudos. In short, keep your job or business and keep the N well away from it. Be very wary of moving to suit him to a place where you are isolated and without income. This allows them to isolate you from your support network and begin the devaluation and destruction process of you (their prey) on all levels.
Your Beliefs and Values – At first the N may seem to share beliefs and values with you, but this is short lived. Remember an N will do anything to get his prey. They may go to church with you, appear to share spiritual or cultural beliefs…….oops, that was his false self. His real self cares nothing for your values and beliefs if it’s not expedient for him. The devaluation begins…..he begins to tell other people tales about you that are not true, but show him in a good light (the victim or the hero) and you in a bad one. There’s usually a tiny grain of truth in there that is twisted and manipulated to create a credible story. Pretty soon you wonder why people are looking at you strangely. This is yet another isolation technique, pre-programming people to dislike you and either feel sorry for or admire him, whichever gets him the most attention aka narcissistic supply.
Health Issues – Ns should come with a warning label stating that they are dangerous to all aspects of your health: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Their behaviour is crazy making on purpose, so they can question your mental health to anyone who will listen. How dare you have an emotion? You’re far too sensitive (no you’re not) and there’s something wrong with you (no there’s not). It suits their plan to make you look unstable. If you have spiritual beliefs, you are a witch and crazy with it. And wait for it, if there’s something physically wrong with you, they don’t want to know. The reality is that their abusive behaviour has probably contributed to you manifesting a physical disease. Now you’re stuck with it and need help. Don’t expect anything from them unless it gets them attention from others. This may include not allowing and/or helping you to access medical care when needed. They will play the hero or victim in public but at home you’ll be lucky to get a cup of tea.
This may sound really harsh, but if you’re terminal, your N is probably busy lining up your replacement. Yes, I know that’s terrible, but his source of narcissistic supply is about to run out. Of course the funeral will be a source of some attention, but then what? I know of a man who was having an affair with a female minister in his wife’s last days of her brave battle with cancer. The female minister conducted the funeral service. That particular N didn’t believe in God or go to church but in his own words would have pretended anything that was required to not be left without a ‘playmate’.
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